The grant mantra

A recent visit to a potential collaborator’s lab threw up more than just a possible research project. As we drove through corn fields, I discovered how grant writing is akin to story-telling. You start with a basic idea / thought / premise. Develop a few off shoots and pursue the one that sounds most promising. Cite well-cited publications, if it’s a method development grant, always mention a biomedical application (preferably cancer or stem cells: you are sure to get money on these). Beat around the bush a little bit; throw in bombastic adjectives like ‘novel’, ‘pioneering’, etc. Then, just to be on the safe side, add a few words of caution, so that the reviewers think that you know what you are talking about. The best way to get a grant funded is to send a draft to one of the panel members before submission. If you have a friend among the elders, then life is great. Make the necessary changes and name the editors suggested by this friend, submit your grant; and sit back and relax. In any case, the people sitting on the elders’ heads who decide government policy have little to no scientific aptitude; forget knowledge of your area of research. All you can then do is hope that the sorting hat calls out your name.